Would you let your hubby get wasted and stay wasted after bad health news my parents think i am being..?

Question by Julie: Would you let your hubby get wasted and stay wasted after bad health news my parents think i am being..?
Monday my hubby found out he had pancreatic cancer and its taken its toll on him because he is only 26 years old. Well he has been majorly depressed since then and i understand its only been two days and such and i am not trying to be heartless or anything. But he has also stayed wasted i mean just completely plastered when he is awake and just staying in the bedroom. I understand he is grieving and such but isn’t this just a bit much. I tried cutting him off but then he went for the keys and so i just gave in and went and got him more alcohol. But i think i am going to put a stop to it today i hid the keys and such. My parents and his told me i am being insensitive and that i need to let him grieve. And that i am being unreasonable and heartless. I don’t think i am i just don’t want a plastered hubby all the time expesly since i am pregnant with our first and such. Are they right? Advice?

Best answer:

Answer by kpopp
DId you understand that your husband’s cancer is the most treatment-resistant? I would have hoped that yo would have more compassion for your husband’s cancer. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you like to have your life cut short by this sort of ailment?

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9 Comments
  1. Reply
    uuchurchlady May 15, 2013 at 7:55 am

    And you are not grieving for all that you will lose and the pain you and your dhildren will feel when your husband is dead. Not to mention living the next 9 months to a year watching him waste away from cancer. Give me a break troll!!!

  2. Reply
    mrs g3 May 15, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Well, he is going to DIE, so you should cut him some slack.
    Pancreatic cancer often has a poor prognosis, even when diagnosed early. Pancreatic cancer typically spreads rapidly and is seldom detected in its early stages, which is a major reason why it’s a leading cause of cancer death. Signs and symptoms may not appear until pancreatic cancer is quite advanced and surgical removal isn’t possible.

    At least he will lose the biggest thorn in his side when he dies- YOU.
    “Expesly”? lord help that child…

  3. Reply
    Sereena May 15, 2013 at 9:13 am

    I can see that your situation is very difficult. I can also see why (as a mom to be) you need your hubby to get his act together.
    BUT
    You needing to control this situation and have him face his problems may not be what he needs at the moment. You taking away his alcohol may come across as being insensitive to his need at the moment. And he may even hate you for it.
    I think that getting in a grief counselor to mediate your feelings and to check in with what he is feeling would help a great deal.

    You never once did mention how you are taking this?? Are you perhaps trying to be the rock? Not only for your hubby but for the baby?

    Good LUck

  4. Reply
    Quixotic May 15, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Do you not understand that everyone deals with this type of thing differently? He’s not an alcoholic is he? When I am feeling like shite, sometimes a good bender helps, really it does. I can’t imagine having CANCER and having my partner tell me how I am choosing to deal with such reality is wrong. It’s like you’re trying to torture this poor guy. Your question from yesterday full of selfishness and now this one today. I pity that man. I really do.

  5. Reply
    JaimieS May 15, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Grief and alcohol are not a good combination! Grief should be dealt with through counseling if he cannot manage it without alcohol. If he has had a problem with alcohol that could have given him a big risk factor for cancer. I don’t know what his diet is like, but if he avoids fruits and vegetables than his body is vitamin and mineral deficient and the body cannot protect itself from things like cancer without getting what it needs to perform these functions. Just because he got a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer – he is not dead today. He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself. He is not dead – what is he “grieving” about??? You are so NOT heartless and you need to do something to help him because he is not making good choices right now that will help his body recover. Sometimes a lifestyle change over several months can give enough support to the body to bring on a remission. If you are pregnant with your first child, that may explain some of the drinking and emotional problems because some men find it difficult in making the transition to the first child in realizing they have responsibility over a totally new human life when their parents have been overbearing and protective in keeping them from getting the help that they need. First, you need to demand an alcohol free home for his best interests and yours. Next, you need to get him into a counseling treatment center where they can diagnose his mental health and provide certain medications. What can happen is that when a person goes through traumatic stress such as learning they have cancer and are soon to be having a child – they have these negative and irrational thinking patterns. Because they have not been trained how to think positively, they can’t stop thinking, “I’m going to die, I can’t be a good father, I’m irresponsible.” They get these messages in their head because no one has taught them otherwise. Many times parents do anything they can to avoid having to have their son get help but many times these things really begin during the teenage years. Parents go into denial and protect their children from getting outside help because they are afraid it makes them look bad. Then, when that young person gets older, married and has children – they sort of freak out. When a person keeps on having these negative thought patterns it changes the chemistry of the brain resulting in depression. But, there are many VERY helpful medications out there that do take some time to kick in but will be SUPER helpful in helping him overcome this. When you combine that with some behavioral therapy that will train him to have more positive and productive though patterns, then the meds are no longer needed. It can take a number of months to a year depending on how open he is to receving help. But, YOU are going to have to be the strong one right now. I know it’s hard because you are going to be tempted to feel sorry for yourself because pregnancy is supposed to be a time in life where your husband does alot for you and makes sure that YOU are taken care of. Unfortunately, that is not always how it goes. It certainly didn’t go that way during my first pregnancy. I had to take care of myself and my husband through it too. I actually drove myself to the hospital. My water broke first so at least I wasn’t having contractions yet! You can get through this. You need to call a social service agency or a church, explain the situation including the fact that you are pregnant and ask them for a referral to an agency that would be able to help you with this. You need to get him into an appointment right away. If his condition gets worse or he has a mental breakdown, that would require immediate medical care. You need to get him some help now or tell him he’ll have to go to the local homeless shelter because he cannot continue to function as a husband or even a person living in your home in this condition! He is going to have to get some help before this gets worse and it will if you don’t do something. Cut off the alcohol and give him a couple of days and monitor his condition. Think of yourself as his caregiver right now. You’ll have to find pregnancy support from friends and family. This is so much bigger than him having cancer. It’s not all about him – this situation involves you and a baby!

  6. Reply
    Shannon May 15, 2013 at 11:00 am

    My instinct is the same as yours; days-on-end drinking is not how I want to spend my last days.
    Don’t hide the alcohol though.
    Maybe make him something to eat, I guess, and ask him to stop drinking for a little while.

    (She’s in denial. This is what denial really “looks like”.)

  7. Reply
    jaded May 15, 2013 at 11:42 am

    stop for a second and see yourself young with your whole life ahead of you, but now you are in a jailcell and you know you only have a couple more days to live. you cant imagine that can you, but that is his new reality.

    he has received a death sentence. if and thats a big if he can survive this your lives will not ever be the same again. his future is now one of needles, pain, hideous medicine, doctors, and never ever knowing if he has a week a year or a day or two more to live.

    insensitive? go to him right now and hold him, and tell him ” it is going to be alright because i will be with you every single step of the way.” and sit with him. you cant give someone two days to grasp that he is going to probably die soon?

    you dont want a drunk hubby. dont worry you will probably not have a hubby too much longer. so i strongly strongly urge you from this very second to act like you care, like you arent annoyed at his agony, and sit with him for as long as it takes.

    your job is to be supportive. right now. whatever it takes right now.

    when he finally calms down, you can ask his doctor about a program called ‘hospice’.

    it is how people learn to deal with this kind of news. it is for you and him and the whole family. it really helps.

    hospice is not just a place where people go in their final few days, it is a whole journey the whole family can take together with a hospice nurse and or counselor who helps them tremendously with all the news and feelings the news brings to their lives. it is a comfort and i know it will help all of you.

    my mother just died from this. she died a year to the day of her diagnosis. her experience was typical of this disease. however, who knows, he may live a long time.

    however, his world has changed. so has yours. so make every single day a good memory for the two of you.

    when you look back on this shocking news, you want to see yourself as strong, supportive, patient, and KIND.

    you are going to have to step up and look beyond yourself and become patient like you never have been before. you can do it.

    the excellent news is that you may be preg. but you do not now have a baby to care for, so you can indeed give him your full attention right now. he needs it.

    if he must have a drink, get a glass of orange juice and join him, dear.

    dont let him be all alone. sit with him. all day all night as long as it takes for him to absorb this terrible shock.

    edit: i completely agree with the poster above me that she is surely in shock herself. some food is in order for both of them. wishing you comfort and bravery and courage.

  8. Reply
    speedy May 15, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    Ok not being heartless, but the answer is not printed on the bottom of an empty booze bottle. David as in David and Goliath didn’t need to get boozed up to defeat the giant. Sorry about the biblical mention, I am not really all that religious, but come on.. He is young. He has a beautiful wife that loves him. You are beautiful aren’t you ? LOL And he has his first child on it’s way. That is a lot live for. Is he just going to lie down and let this defeat him or is he going to fight this thing with all his might ? You need to make some calls, do some research and get this ball rolling. find people in your area that have survived this. I am sure there are support groups you can find. You need to start getting some ” Positive ” information and feedback. People do survive pancreatic cancer. It is not the death sentence the other posters make it out to be. Fight this thing…. Good luck.

  9. Reply
    cookie May 15, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    You’re right and don’t let them tell you otherwise. For one thing, he has a cancer with a high rate of being cured. Unless the doctors told him he’s in his final stage and there’s nothing that can be done, he has no reason to grieve. I’m sorry, but my dad had pancriotic cancer and took herbal suppliments over the precriptions and was cured within 2 years. Your husband could find other alternatives and other ways to cope with his cancer. He’s choosing to be a baby and have everyone feel sorry for him. Take the alcohol away and make your husband face his fears head on. Good luck to you and stand your ground. : )

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