Can someone please read my personal statement for admission to a university?

Question by Spin: Can someone please read my personal statement for admission to a university?
It’s a bit longer than they asked and need help cutting things out.
These are the guidelines:
Nursing Majors, Personal Statement: In no fewer than 250 words, answer these questions/cover these topics in your personal statement:
Why do you want to become a nurse?
Why do you want to attend the Chaminade nursing program?
Describe any community service activities pertaining to health care that you may have been involved with.

Here it is:
In February of 2006, while working, I received a call from my dad in Mexico at the time and told me he was in the hospital and had emergency surgery scheduled the next morning. Although I had already thought of possibly becoming a nurse one day, it wasn’t until then that I knew undoubtedly that I wanted to become a nurse. The nurses caring for my dad went above and beyond of what their job required of them. My dad was in the ICU for three days after his surgery, on the fourth day, the nurses transferred him out of the ICU and into a private room even though the doctors and nurses advised him against it but my dad insisted on it. The first day in his private room a nurse stayed by his side all day and night and slept on a chair next to his bed. She left a huge impression on me and I will forever be grateful to her and will never forget how she took such good care of my dad. 

My wish grew a year later and I was going back to school to and starting a new semester but had postponed when my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. After his surgery, I helped with his recovery and went with him to doctor appointments and took care of his after his radiation treatments.

On July 7 2011 an aunt of mine lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. I felt so helpless being so far away and not being able to see her. During her last days, the nurses did everything possible to make her as comfortable as possible. My family and I really appreciated how well the nurses took care of her. The day of her funeral I made a promise to myself, that I would finish with school and became a nurse. Even though I couldn’t be there for my aunt, I would like to help and support other families like the nurses who help her and my family.

When looking into nursing programs, I was really impressed with Chaminade University for many reasons. First, the E.C Wiegerid simulation suite and the nursing laboratories impressed me. Second, I thought its first year acceptance into the program is unique and to the point with the curriculum required for nursing. Lastly, I like that the program is competitive with only 72 students entering the program a year, and the extra plus for me was that it was a private catholic University.

After graduating high school I started working as a health assistant in an elementary school nurse’s office. I made sure the office was always clean and organized, kept a record of all students who came in and out of the office. During my time there I watched over a handful of students with medical conditions with asthma, diabetes and cystic fibrosis to name a few. Even though it was a bit stressful sometimes, I loved working there and it only increased my want to pursue a career in nursing. 

After six years working there I moved at to Washington and was living there for three years. In those three years I knew I would be going back and forth from Washington to California and didn’t want to commit to working or going to school knowing that I would be gone for long periods at a time. On a few occasions, I would visit the elementary school I used to work at and volunteer in the nurses office. I would like the admissions committee to consider the fact that I’m a determined individual and am making an effort to make up for any lost time away from school and any poor grade I have received in the past.

Best answer:

Answer by brew
Since there is no maximum just give them that.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

  1. Reply
    spare_widget May 13, 2013 at 8:31 am

    There is plenty of words that you can simply remove from your statement. I’ve summarised the first paragraph and reduced your 177 words to 130. You should work on the remainder to remove any superfluous words.

    On February of 2006, my dad called from Mexico. He was in hospital and had been scheduled for emergency surgery on the following morning. This moment confirmed to me that I wanted to become a nurse. My dad was obviously important to me and my family, I feel the nurses went far beyond the modest expectation of their job requirements in those critical days of recovery.

    My dad was always willful. He was in the ICU for several days after surgery. On the fourth day, he insisted he be transferred to a private room, despite medical advice. A nurse stayed by his side, day and night; even sleeping in a bedside chair. I am indebted to them all for their actions, they left a huge impression on me. I’ll be forever grateful to my fathers nurses and the doctors for taking such good care of my dad.
    [129 words]

  2. Reply
    MM May 13, 2013 at 8:50 am

    First you say you knew you wanted to be a nurse because of what happened with your dad. Then you say it was because of what happened with your aunt. So which is it? Pick one story and tell that. You can briefly mention the other experiences, but you need a more definite focus.

    Leave a reply

    Facebook Auto Publish Powered By :